- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

- What's another word for -thesaurus?-

- When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually.

- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, -Cut it out!-

- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

- I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think, -Hey, maybe I wrote that.-

- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, -Here, you can go.- I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

- I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

- My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

- I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, -I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.-

- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

- I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better.

- I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

- I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room- temperature.

- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

- You can't have everything... where would you put it?

- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, -Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.- He said, -Yes, but not in a row.-

- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, -Have you got anything I'd like?- Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, -Extra medium.-

- While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, -Do I know you?-

- I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

- On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long.-

- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, -Didn't you see the stop sign?- I said, -Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.-

- The judge asked, -What do you plead?- I said, -Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?-

- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

- For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [Slow glance upward.]

- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

- Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, -Did you sleep good?- I said, -No, I made a few mistakes.-

- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said, -Hello, Information.- I said, -I can't find my socks.- She said, -They're behind the couch.-

- I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

- I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

- Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.